PatiencePassions

  Lord I miss home. Not because it was gentle not because it was kind but because it was familiar. I hated it there. I hated the walls the voices the way pain learned my name. And yet compared to where I stand now it feels like shelter. I thought this place would save me. I thought safety lived here that peace wore this address. But saints can be cruel Lord crueler than demons who admit what they are. They smile with Scripture on their lips hands lifted in worship eyes closed to the wreckage they cause. They never look in the mirror. They hide behind the Bible behind church doors behind the illusion of holiness. So here I am praying words I never thought I would dare to say. Send me back. Back to the hell I know. Back to the demons whose faces I recognize. I would rather bleed where I understand the wounds than suffocate among those who call themselves pure while sharpening their knives in secret. I hate that I want this. I hate that I have no choice. I hate that endurance has beco...

  I no longer feel the need to explain my relationship with love in a way that makes other people comfortable. The older I get, the more I realize that clarity often arrives quietly, and once it does, there is no going back to the stories we used to tell ourselves. We are taught early on that love is the destination. That being chosen is the prize. That partnership is proof of worth. And for a long time, I believed that too. Until I started doing the work. The uncomfortable work. The kind that strips you down and asks you to sit with yourself without distractions. Through healing, through solitude, through the many masculines I crossed paths with in the past year, I learned something unexpected. Every connection, even the ones that did not last, taught me more about who I am. What I value. What I will no longer tolerate. What love must look like if it is to enter my life at all. I value myself. And I value love. But I have learned that genuine love cannot arrive in a place where se...

 I am sitting here writing and purging, letting everything rise at once. And I realize something quietly devastating. Old wounds do not disappear just because you outgrow them. Sometimes they circle back, not to punish you, but to ask if you are finally ready to put them down for good. Lately, self doubt has been loud. Insecurities I thought I had already faced have come back knocking. My confidence took a hit without warning. One day I was standing in acceptance, feeling at home in my body and my becoming. The next, I was questioning everything again. My appearance. My worth. My reflection. Wondering what someone could possibly see in me that I cannot see in myself. I tell myself I am too skinny. Too tall. I look too closely at my skin, the marks, the flaws I thought I had made peace with. I realize now that I did not release everything. Some of it I pushed under a rug and called it healing. But the body remembers. The heart remembers. And when you are close to a new beginning, th...

 Heavenly Father, I come before You Not with answers But with questions trembling in my hands. There is a strange quiet around me. An almost sacred silence. Yet inside, I am overflowing. Energy pacing my ribs, Dreams knocking from the inside, Waiting for a door to open. I believe in myself, Lord. I try to stand tall in that belief. I have done the digging, The healing, The unlearning. I have faced myself honestly. Still, my life feels paused As if the world has pressed stop While my heart keeps running. I watch people move forward, Watch distance grow between us. Their lives unfolding, Their seasons changing. And I wonder quietly When will my feet feel motion again. I have done the inner work, Father. Sat with the shadows. Held the mirror. Laid myself bare. Sometimes it feels like Heaven has not noticed How hard I have tried. I pray that life moves for me. That momentum finds my name. That this waiting is not punishment But preparation I do not yet understand. Each day feels heavy....

  About a week ago, I had one of those conversations—the kind that starts casual and ends up quietly rearranging your entire philosophy of existence. We were talking about soulmates. You know, the idea that somewhere out there is your person, uniquely coded to your soul. The conversation drifted into destiny, timing, and whether we actually meet who we’re meant to meet in this lifetime. At some point, half-joking and half-not, I said: “Maybe you’ll meet your soulmate in the next timeline.” He laughed. Now, I’m still not entirely sure what he was laughing at. Was it the idea itself? Or the implication that his soulmate might be delayed until another lifetime? Because let’s be honest— another lifetime does sound a bit… diabolical. Imagine being told, “Not now. Not later. Just… eventually.” Cosmic customer service at its finest. But that moment stuck with me. Not because of the laughter—but because it opened a door I couldn’t unsee. It made me question how time actually works, espec...

  The past few days have been heavy. Not in a dramatic way, not in a way that needs fixing, but in that quiet, pressing way that sits in your chest and follows you around. Emotionally heavy. Soul heavy. I’ve realized that a lot of this weight comes from identity. From the version of myself I’ve learned to perform so others feel comfortable. The version that reassures, uplifts, carries, listens, absorbs. And I’m tired. Because somewhere along the way, I started carrying emotions that weren’t even mine. I absorbed people’s moods, their expectations, their needs, and slowly lost my grounding. I ended up stuck in a slump that didn’t belong to me, yet lived inside me anyway. This phase I’m in feels dark, yes, but it also feels necessary. Like a deep clearing. A shedding. A releasing of emotional residue that’s been blocking me from myself. I’m not afraid of it anymore. I can see now that this heaviness is part of my healing, not a detour from it. What’s been painful is noticing how peop...

  Oh Lord I am struggling The pains of the past have returned Not as they were But dressed in new faces Wearing different names Still heavy I try to speak my hurt But my words disappear mid air I raise my voice to help To warn To love Yet it lands on deaf ears Stubborn hearts Closed minds And I ask myself Why do I keep doing this to me I pulled back these past days Chose silence Not because I was weak But because I knew This was something I could face Something I could solve Still Lord Only You can give me the strength To move through this weight The weight I carry for others That was never meant to be mine But I picked it up anyway Mistaking responsibility for love Mistaking sacrifice for purpose Now I know I must put it down Help me release every burden Mine and the ones I borrowed Teach me how to be light again Not hardened Not heavy But free Walk with me through every hour Hold my hand when my heart grows tired Remind me that helping does not require My depletion I did not mean...

  Now hear me out. I believe deeply in faith. I believe in surrender. I believe in letting go of outcomes that are beyond my control and trusting even when things don’t make sense. In fact, one of my biggest lessons right now is learning how to surrender properly —not passively, not blindly, but truthfully. I live on faith. Sometimes blind faith. Sometimes faith that doesn’t look logical on paper. I believe in miracles. I believe in unexpected blessings. I believe that things can shift overnight when God—or the Universe, however you name it—decides that the time is right. But here’s where we need to talk. Somewhere along the way, people started confusing faith with laziness , and surrender with irresponsibility . And that misconception is dangerous. Faith does not mean folding your arms and opting out of life. Faith does not mean repeatedly putting yourself in avoidable chaos and expecting divine intervention to clean it up for you. Let’s be honest for a second. If you keep thro...

  The past few days have been heavy. Not the kind of heavy you can sleep off. The kind that sits in your chest and makes everything feel like too much, all at once. Today I can admit it. I’m a bit depressed. And angry. Very angry, actually. I’ve been irritated with everyone around me, and the worst part is how draining that feeling is. Anger eats you alive. It doesn’t even give you the satisfaction you think it will. It just leaves you exhausted. You know that feeling when you’re genuinely trying to help someone, trying to explain things calmly, logically, from a good place, and it feels like you’re talking to a wall. Like your words are just bouncing back at you. That alone can push anyone over the edge. Then there’s another layer. Dealing with people who suddenly act strange because you have chemistry with someone else. As if talking to another human being is a betrayal. As if you owe them loyalty, silence, or validation you never agreed to give. That one triggers me badly. Becau...

 I am naturally a strict person. Not harsh, not cruel, just honest. If I do not like something, I will point it out. I try to be gentle, I really do, but sometimes there is no softer way to tell the truth. And for the longest time, I carried a quiet insecurity about that. How am I being perceived when I stand my ground? Do people see my intentions or only my firmness? Today I had an interesting conversation with someone close to me that made me sit with this question differently. Let me give you a simple example. I have an older brother who drinks tea like it is water. Seven cups a day easily. Which means the sugar finishes almost immediately. Sugar is not free, and constantly replacing it becomes wasteful. So I came up with a solution. We hide the sugar and only take it out when we are making tea together. Sounds extreme to some, I know. But here is the thing. The sugar has not run out since. The system works. Now I grew up being taught that you never hide food. Ever. I do not adv...

  Hello my fellow readers. It has been a while, but I am back. And this time, I am back differently. As I sit here writing this, something has become very clear to me. The energy of last year has closed. Fully. I almost tried to lie to myself and say it still lingers, but the truth is I feel lighter. Noticeably lighter. Like something finally loosened its grip. I can feel myself growing day by day, sometimes hour by hour. I am shifting constantly. I am honestly not the same person I was yesterday and I laugh as I say that, but I mean it. The energy is building, and I will not sugarcoat it. It is challenging. Not because it feels wrong, but because it feels unknown. It feels like I am starting from the bottom again, rebuilding myself from the ground up. I told myself this would be the year of focus and discipline, and I meant it. Still, today I feel overwhelmed. A lot has been happening all at once. Things around me are changing so fast that I cannot tell if what is unfolding is goo...