Breaking the Habit of Impulsive Living




Recently, I was triggered. A simple picture of someone stirred a storm inside me—doubt, fear, anxiety, longing, loneliness, even a hint of excitement. The emotions rushed in all at once, and for a moment, I felt like crying. It wasn’t just the picture; it was the memory of who I used to be when feelings like these came up.


In the past, this kind of emotional wave would pull me straight into a rabbit hole. I would overthink, obsess, act impulsively, and chase after validation in people or situations. I confused desperation for connection, and longing for love. I thought if I could just do something about those feelings, they would go away. But they never did. Instead, they grew into jealousy, envy, and self-doubt. They ate away at my confidence, my peace, and my ability to simply be.


But this time, something shifted.


Instead of falling into the same old pattern, I caught myself. I paused. I gave myself a three-day “time out” to breathe, recenter, and ask myself the real question: Why do I react this way?


What I discovered was uncomfortable, but freeing: I had been carrying impulsive behavior for years. Always reaching, always grasping, always running toward something to fill a void. But what I was really doing was running away—from myself, from my discomfort, from silence.


I used to think my problem was other people. But the truth is, it was my habits. Habits that made me desperate. Habits that made me compare myself to others. Habits that left me feeling unworthy.


Now I see it for what it is: a cycle that I no longer have to feed.


I am not that person anymore. I don’t need to act on every impulse. I don’t need to chase validation. I don’t need to run.


I can sit. I can breathe. I can choose differently.


This isn’t about perfection—it’s about awareness. It’s about catching the old patterns before they catch me. And with every small victory, I am learning what real freedom feels like.


To be continued…





Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

The pattern isn't the problem. Lack of awareness is

Image
Today I found myself deep in thought again. To be honest, I usually am. My mind tends to wander into questions most people pass by without noticing. Something pulled me toward the The Emerald Tablets of Thoth the Atlantean, specifically the chapter about the Key of Time . It speaks about time not as a straight line, but as something circular. Cycles. Loops. Patterns that repeat themselves until something changes. That idea stayed with me long after I finished reading. Because when you look closely at life, it starts to feel true. Our past has a strange way of shaping our future. Childhood experiences, the things we witness growing up, the wounds we carry without even realizing it. They settle somewhere deep within us and quietly influence the decisions we make later on. You often hear people say, “I will never repeat the mistakes my parents made.” On the surface, that sounds like a powerful promise. A vow to do better. A vow to be different. But sometimes that vow becomes something h...
Read more

A Prayer for the Hell I Know

Image
  Lord I miss home. Not because it was gentle not because it was kind but because it was familiar. I hated it there. I hated the walls the voices the way pain learned my name. And yet compared to where I stand now it feels like shelter. I thought this place would save me. I thought safety lived here that peace wore this address. But saints can be cruel Lord crueler than demons who admit what they are. They smile with Scripture on their lips hands lifted in worship eyes closed to the wreckage they cause. They never look in the mirror. They hide behind the Bible behind church doors behind the illusion of holiness. So here I am praying words I never thought I would dare to say. Send me back. Back to the hell I know. Back to the demons whose faces I recognize. I would rather bleed where I understand the wounds than suffocate among those who call themselves pure while sharpening their knives in secret. I hate that I want this. I hate that I have no choice. I hate that endurance has beco...
Read more

Letting Go is Hard, But It Needs to Happen.

Image
  Letting go sounds simple when you say it out loud. But the truth is, it’s one of the hardest things the heart ever has to learn. Sometimes it’s not the leaving that hurts the most — it’s what rises to the surface when someone returns. Recently, a person who once meant the world to me came back. Our story never ended with a dramatic goodbye. No fight. No explanation. Just silence — the kind that echoes in the spaces where words should have lived. We were close once. The kind of close where conversations flowed without effort and laughter came easy. Beneath the friendship lived something neither of us expected — a soft, unspoken love that surprised us both. And just as quickly as it appeared, he pulled away. The distance wasn’t just physical; it unraveled something inside me. His silence awakened parts of myself I didn’t know were fragile. Insecurity. Obsession. The fear of not being enough. I became desperate for crumbs of attention, and somewhere along the way, I began losing mys...
Read more