I Almost Became an Asshole in the Name of Healing

 


There is a quiet confession that lives inside growth, and it sounds like this


I am not perfect


Not in the way people romanticize healing, not in the way spirituality is packaged into soft voices and polished quotes. I am learning in real time, which means I will trip over my own feet. I will say the wrong thing. I will stand too firm when I should have softened, and soften when I should have stood like a wall. Growth is not a straight road. It is a dance with missteps, a rhythm that stutters before it flows.


But somewhere between the falling and the rising, there is a decision that matters more than perfection ever could


How do I move after the dip


That is the real work


There is a dangerous illusion that comes with becoming spiritually aware. It whispers that enlightenment makes you better than others. That clarity gives you permission to become cold. That boundaries must come dressed in sharpness and superiority. And if you are not careful, ego will wear the mask of wisdom and you will not even notice the switch.


You start calling your reactions alignment

Your harshness truth

Your distance growth


Meanwhile, something sacred inside you begins to harden


I have seen that version of myself. The one who believed being spiritually inclined meant cutting people off with a sense of righteousness. The one who mistook detachment for elevation. The one who allowed pride to sit on the throne and renamed it discernment.


And the truth is simple, even if it is uncomfortable


Being spiritual does not give you permission to become unkind


Yes, there are people you will outgrow. There are connections that will reach their natural ending, not with explosions but with quiet knowing. You will feel it in your bones when a space no longer nurtures you. When conversations feel heavy instead of expansive. When your spirit begins to shrink just to maintain the connection.


And in those moments, you are allowed to leave


But leaving does not have to come with destruction


You can step away with clean hands

You can release without resentment

You can love someone and still choose distance


That is a different kind of strength. Not the loud kind that announces itself, but the steady kind that protects your peace without bruising your conscience.


Because the goal is not just to move forward. The goal is to move forward without carrying the weight of who you became in survival mode


There have been days where everything felt like an attack. Words thrown from unexpected places. Energy shifting in rooms that once felt safe. And in those moments, the real test is not what is said to you, but what rises within you in response.


It takes an incredible amount of strength to pause when your instinct is to react. To breathe when your emotions are demanding expression. To choose silence when your pride is begging for a performance.


That kind of restraint is not weakness. It is mastery in progress


Still, let us be honest


There are moments where you will be called to stand firm in a way that others might misunderstand. You will enforce boundaries that make people uncomfortable. You will say no without decorating it. You will refuse access to spaces within you that were once open to everyone.


And some will call that being an asshole


Let them


Because knowing your worth will always threaten those who benefited from your lack of it


The difference is intention


Are you protecting your peace

Or are you feeding your ego


One builds you

The other isolates you


Self awareness is the mirror that does not lie. It will show you where you were right and where you were simply loud. It will remind you of the moments you chose pride over peace. And if you are brave enough, it will also invite you to do something many people avoid


Take accountability


There is a quiet beauty in saying I was wrong without defending it. In apologizing without adding conditions. In choosing growth over the need to be right.


That is how you soften without losing your strength


At the end of it all, no level of spiritual awareness places you above another human being. Titles do not impress the divine. Labels do not grant you superiority. We are all navigating this life with different levels of awareness, different wounds, different lessons unfolding at different times.


Equality is not a theory. It is a truth we keep forgetting


So as you step into your next chapter, do it with intention


Do not build your peace on someone else’s pain

Do not carry old versions of yourself into new spaces

Do not let ego narrate a story that your spirit does not agree with


You will still be triggered

You will still be tested

You will still feel the pull to react


But in those moments, remember this


You always have a choice


Not in what happens to you

But in who you become because of it


And that choice, made over and over again, is where your real transformation lives

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